19 Dec “How do I cope when my ex does something that upsets me? Getting angry just makes it worse”.
No matter how amicable your split with your ex was, there will be times that they upset you. In more acrimonious cases this will be a frequent event that you have to learn to deal with.
Reacting in the moment is never wise. It rarely pays to vent your anger on your ex and by responding while you are highly charged about the problem often causes the situation to escalate. My advice is to take some time out to give you a more balanced perspective. If you react in the moment you may not keep your long term goals in mind. If there are children involved this is even more important.
If you are face to face with your ex this can be tricky so always be prepared to say “I will have to get back to you on this” and walk away. If you receive an email or text then do not reply immediately. I recommend to clients to write their response as a way to help them vent their anger and then NOT to send it. Sleep on it and even discuss it with an unbiased 3rd party. It may be best to run it past your legal advisor if it involves a contentious issue and you don’t want it used against you at a later date. In the morning you will be able to rewrite your response from a more balanced viewpoint. Avoid blame and anything that could be inflammatory.
If your ex is just being mean and trying to hurt you then you need to disengage from communicating with them. Taking back control of the situation will give you more strength. If you need an answer and they are ignoring you then you have no choice but to let it go. There is no point being upset over something you cannot control. Focus your attentions on something that you enjoy or takes you closer to your own personal goals. Do not let your ex control your life now they are gone.
Take the higher ground as you want to be able to look back at this with no regrets and know that you did the best you could, even in the toughest of circumstances. You will keep your self-respect and doing the right things always makes you stronger.