Divorcing because your partner has an affair

29 Aug Divorcing because your partner has an affair

So if we are to believe the hype then Simon Cowell has had an affair with his best friends’ wife.

It seems they have been conducting their affair right under the nose of her husband. I’ve only read a few articles on this (as I have a sneaking feeling it’s a huge PR stunt with X Factor USA due to start), but it’s easy to feel truly sorry for the wronged husband, Andrew Silverman. Not only has he lost his wife, he has lost his friend and if that wasn’t enough there are photos on the front page of every newspaper to prove it.

He has filed for divorce citing Simon and is trying to annul their prenup. He is going for full custody of their son too. I read he wants to cause as much humiliation for Simon as possible and he wants her to walk away with as little as possible. And who can blame him? However is this the right thing to do?

In situations like this divorce comes as a real shock to the betrayed individual.  Nobody goes into marriage to get divorced so if you find yourself separated and starting the divorce process it can be a huge shock. Divorce can rock the strongest of people and if you have betrayal to deal with as well it can be an extremely painful, disorienting and distressful time.

My divorce came about due to my husband having an affair and it’s because of this that I know I can offer some sound advice on how to handle betrayal.

  • We all experience betrayal in different ways. Some of us feel hurt, some feel anger, sadness, jealousy, rage,  fear, confusion, overwhelm and lots more. These are all completely normal  with betrayal. It’s a lot to take in. The best thing to do is to acknowledge how you are feeling and not suppress it. Find an outlet for these emotions. It’s OK to cry and scream – it’s part of your healing process. It’s also good to do something that expends energy like running or speed walking to get rid of some of the negative energy you are holding on to.

  • Think before you act. It’s best to take some time out with no contact with your ex for a while. You need time to let the initial shock subside. You need time to process what has happened and how you really feel about it. This can take a while so it’s a good idea not to react in the moment and do or say something that may make things harder for you in the long run.

  • Revenge is not the best medicine. It can be tempting to sink to their level and try to hurt them back. This never pays and will come back to bite you. Especially if there are children involved I would always advise “do the right thing”. You don’t want to look back and be ashamed about the way you behaved. Leave that to them!

  • You have to be realistic however hard this can seem at times. They are not the person you fell in love with if they can cheat on you. They are no longer your ideal partner… but there is someone else out there for you. The sooner you can pull yourself together and move forward the sooner you will be in a position to meet a new partner who will treat you with the respect you deserve.

  • Keep focused on taking small steps one at a time. You will need time to grieve your relationship and also time to handle any negative emotions around the affair.

  • Betrayal can be very humiliating, especially if other people knew about the affair. Remember you are not the person in the wrong here and however embarrassed or silly you may feel it was not your fault. You can hold your head up high as you will soon realise that other people will have no respect for the betrayal either. Your ex will not come out of this looking good. It will be hard for friends and family to trust them again when they know what they are capable of, they will always be wondering if they are lying to them!

So is Andrew Silverman doing the right thing  – to annul the prenup and get custody of the child? Well in my opinion he needs to do what he believes is best for his child first, then sort the rest out. Even when we have been wronged by our partner, if there are children involved they need us to put our personal feelings aside and put their best interest as a priority. This can be extremely hard as we may want to punish our ex for hurting us and the children. However research has shown that it is better for children to feel loved by both parents… They grow up more balanced individuals with less insecurities that other children who never saw one parent. It’s probably one of the hardest things I had to manage but I did my very best as a mother with this strategy and it has paid off.

Divorce is not an easy journey and affairs bring a whole other dimension to add to the mix. Betrayal is a tough emotion to work through but it can be done. Always remember that you will get through this however dark it may seem at times. You are not alone and you now have a chance to create a future that you deserve with better people around you. I am living proof that this is the case and it can happen.

jai jai
jai@jaijo.com